The time machine that doubles as a toilet.

News Archives - January 2004

: Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace

January 13 2004

What a troubled world we must live in when things like this happen. Britney gets married, and it's not to me...?!?

Thankfully she's seen a fault in her methods and ditched the other poor dude already but man, she almost had me worried there for a second... For the uninitiated, let's take a stroll down memory lane and follow the high/lowlights of Britney's troubled love life:

Since the release of her first album and her launch into stardom, Britney has always tried to portray herself as an innocent and chaste woman, being quoted many times saying that she intends to wait before marriage before participating in any sort of sexual acts. There were many people who doubted her, but she persisted her claim, maintaining that she would not just jump into bed with any of her boyfriends.

May 2002
One of those boyfriends happened to be Britney's long-time friend Justin Timberlake. They have been dating on and off since they were 12, and Britney fell in love. After two years of continued dating (from 2000 to early 2002), the relationship fails and the pair go their separate ways. In May 2002, Timberlake (that slut) was quoted as saying "Everyone thinks she is still a virgin but that is a joke, [...] she lost her virginity a while ago - and I should know." Booya.

August 29 2003
Near the end of her performance of Like A Virgin on the MTV Music Video Awards, Britney shared a nice'n sloppy open-mouthed kiss with the notoriously talentless Madonna. It turns out that hackish talentlessness is contagious as some unfortunate remenants of this kiss were found on several tracks of Britney's latest album, In The Zone (reviewed here on Pants last month).

January 3 2004
Britney marries childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander. 55 hours later, they were granted an annulment on the grounds that they "lacked understanding of each other's actions entering upon this marriage", so the marriage was over.

My thoughts on the whole dealie have already been so delicately described by someone else (damn it), so I'll just paraphrase a little:

"Childhood friend" to me means that this guy was Britney's long-time platonic male friend; the guy who isn't gay but might as well be. Ever since childhood, he's been there for her, supporting her as a friend, hoping that eventually she would ditch all her superstar/supermodel boyfriends that treat her like trash and finally realise that she was really in love with him. It's like what happens in those stupid "Sexy Campus Jock continually disses Ugly Nerdy Girl but eventually discovers she's really Super Hottie Woman™" movies...

Anyway, back to the story-
Then, one night in a drunken stupor in Vegas, Britney says something along the lines of "Hey Jaayshun, I wish all guys are like you... *sob* I wish I could find a guy like you. *hic* Letsh get married...", and that's exactly what they do...

Then for him to wake up with her next morning, he must've been the happiest guy in the world... That is, until she wakes up alongside him, opens her eyes, sees him and shrieks "Annulment!". Damn, that's one unlucky bastard...

I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on the rock, yet there's some strange feeling I have that I have been put in a somewhat similar situation before... Nah, that's just silly.

Comments, insults, and restraining order application forms can all be found at for those of you who haven't left yet... :)

(Yes, I realise that she didn't marry the Jason Alexander who played George Costanza on Seinfeld, but how else can I make this link relevant to anything here...?)

: A Monster In My Parasol Pants

January 13 2004

(Deliberate subject title intended to boost ego...)

Thursday last week (January 8th) I attended a Queens Of The Stone Age concert at the Thebarton Theatre with some buddies of mine... The Queens' support act were The Distillers, and the concert was definitely quite enjoyable overall...

Some words on The Distillers:
Decent. Prior to the concert I had only heard maybe one or two Distillers songs from the rotation on Triple J so I was kind of half-shocked to discover that the lead singer was female... It's almost the same (yet complete opposite) reaction to what I had done early last year when I found out the lead singer of The Music was a guy... I guess this all ties in with Tight's insistance that just because it sounds like girlish wailing, it doesn't mean it's a girl who's singing.

Some words on Queens Of The Stone Age:
Very good stuff. A very nice set by the group, the audience was cool too and sonically it sounded a lot better than their gig at the Big Day Out last year, where the stage's sound system just made a mess of their performance. Thankfully this time, all 4½ members of QOTSA were wearing pants, so there was no 'pendulum action' as showcased at the 2003 BDO. Phew.

Event highlights:
It was nice to see when a few mohawked people weave through the audience during the concert as it looked remarkably similar to the fin from Jaws slicing through the waters... Seeing a guy attempt to do a stationary ninja fly-kick (and fail miserably) was also quite amusing... :)
Music highlights from the night would probably include classic Queens songs like Monsters In The Parasol, No One Knows & The Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret.

Ironically, the single biggest musical highlight that stood out for me that night wasn't from QOTSA - it was the selection of Devo songs on rotation during the intermission. Classic 80s "music" like Whip It or Satisfaction (which, coincidentally, is a song Britney covered in her Oops!... I Did It Again album in 2000).

Yep, I'm talking about Britney again. Sorry... Here are some links instead:

There's more where that came from...: Return to the News Archives index.